Supporting Someone with OCD

Have you ever been in a situation where someone apologises to you — maybe for something small — and you say, “It’s fine,” only for them to apologise again a minute later?

You reassure them, “Honestly, no problem,” but soon after, they say sorry again. This cycle can be confusing or even frustrating, but it’s often not just about the apology. It can be a form of compulsion — specifically, a reassurance-seeking compulsion. The person may feel briefly better when you tell them it’s okay, but then another doubt creeps in: What if they’re just saying that to be polite? So they check again, maybe wording it differently or asking a new version of the same question. It’s not attention-seeking — it’s anxiety-driven, and part of how OCD keeps itself going.

OCD can be hard to spot, especially when it doesn’t match the common stereotypes. It’s not always about handwashing or checking locks — sometimes it’s much quieter. It might show up as someone asking the same question repeatedly, needing constant reassurance, or mentally going over conversations to check if they said the wrong thing. It can look like revisiting the same argument, trying to get it “just right” before they can move on. Even then, the doubt often returns — and the cycle begins again.

You might notice someone frequently asking, “Did I upset you?” or “Are you sure that’s okay?” They may need things done in a particular way, plan excessively to prevent anything going wrong, or feel unsettled if something is out of place. These behaviours are often compulsions — actions the brain feels it must do to prevent danger or ease discomfort.

It’s totally understandable to want to help — to reassure, to help check, to keep things just right. Most people do this before they realise it might be OCD. That’s normal. This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about gently starting to notice when the OCD might be steering things — and learning how to step back from it.

Here’s why that matters: when we answer OCD — when we explain again, give reassurance, or do the thing it’s asking for — it almost always comes back with something new. What if you missed something? What if this time is different?  There’s no end point. Trying to reason with OCD is like arguing with quicksand — the more you struggle, the deeper it pulls you in.

The one thing OCD can’t thrive on is non-engagement. When you drop the compulsion — whether that’s checking, apologising again, or asking one more time — and gently shift your focus elsewhere, the OCD loses power. That’s when real change begins.

If you’re unsure how to respond in the moment, here are some supportive phrases you can try:

• “I know this is really bothering you, but I think it’s the OCD talking. Let’s not give it more airtime.”

• “We’ve already talked about this. I’m going to stick with my first answer.”

• “You’re looking for certainty, and I get that — but I don’t think we’re going to find it this way.”

• “This sounds like reassurance-seeking. I don’t want to accidentally feed the OCD.”

• “Let’s park that thought and do something else together.”

• “What would your therapist suggest right now? Is this a moment to sit with the discomfort?”

• “You’re doing something brave by resisting the urge to ask again.”

• “This is OCD. Let’s hug instead and move on”

You don’t need to use perfect words. Just a calm, kind approach — and a willingness to pause rather than respond automatically — can make a real difference over time.

Supporting someone with OCD is about learning as you go, gently recognising the patterns, and offering steady encouragement. Even small changes in how you respond can help break the cycle and support recovery.